the importance of friendships, especially for blokes
Did you know that there is actual research on how your best buds, or mates, whatever you call them, could be one of the best things that's happened to you and your health? And if you don't have them, it can be pretty catastrophic.
In 2008, a research study was performed that asked people to stand at the bottom of a hill, look up, and guess how steep it was. Some participants were instructed to come alone while others were instructed to come with friends.
Altogether, they looked up the hill, which had an incline of 26 degrees. But when the researchers asked the participants who came with friends, their groups viewed the slope as a lot less than the people who came alone, who actually significantly overestimated the gradient.
This research showed that things can seem easier when you have a friend with you. We know that in addition to positive social impacts, being surrounded by a friend group can affect your physical and mental wellbeing.
To cite just a few benefits that appear in the literature, having a solid clique is linked to a longer life, fewer illnesses and even a healthier weight. We know that spending time with them can also lower your blood pressure, trigger positive chemicals in your brain which make you feel less stressed, more resilient and more optimistic.
Friendships can also protect you against cancer, heart disease and depression, as well as resulting in you being less likely to suffer from cognitive decline. That's quite a big list as you can imagine. But it turns out that there's a whole population group that is passing up these advantages, and it is that of lonely men.
So to cite some of the research, a 2019 YouGov study found that one in five men do not have any close friends—that is twice as many as women. There is also research by the Survey Center on American Life that noted the number of American men reporting they had no close friends jumped from three to 15% since 1995. That same research also found that the number of men who reported having at least six close friends fell from 55% down to 27%.
In the modern day, we are more digitally connected than ever before, but that obviously doesn't mean that we're necessarily more happy. While some people may have colleagues, friends and family members who are happy to spend time with them regularly, other people struggle to find people who share their interests or simply want to hang out for the same reason.
This makes social isolation a common problem and it's particularly strong amongst men. They are known to struggle to create and maintain friendships when compared to women. If left unaddressed, this struggle could turn into a health hazard that is similar to smoking or alcoholism, according to some research reports.
Scientists at Brigham Young University in the United States found that long-term social isolation can increase a person's risk of dying before their expected death rate by as much as 32%. This is why some started to call this pretty startling development as the shadow pandemic.
Despite being brought to light during COVID-19 lockdowns, this phenomena had already been widespread long before COVID hit us and it was particularly prevalent amongst men. A developmental psychologist by the name of Professor Niobe Way believes that hypermasculine ideals are stripping young men in particular of close friendship and the intimacy that goes with them.
Way has spent the majority of her career interviewing boys and men about their relationships and how they change over time. In one of her interviews, she noted that during a boy's adolescent years, and particularly around the age of eleven to 13, they once desired closeness with their peers. But come their late teen years, a change occurs to these boys that make them frame the way they view friendships in a much more macho, stereotypical perspective.
In contrast to women's friendships, which tend to be marked with emotional vulnerability and closeness, men's friendships tend to be more transactional, often revolving around time, investment in activities and that don't develop into conversations. And many blokes will be familiar with this.
Yes, there could be a lot of banter among male cliques, which is good fun, but it usually, according to researchers, is just over the activity at hand. Aside from that, it's common for nothing deeper to pop up. Other studies have described male friendships as side-by-side relationships and female friendships as face-to-face relationships.
Take a moment, particularly if you are bloke, to notice how male and female friend groups tend to greet and hang out with each other. You'd typically see men standing shoulder to shoulder with their pals, whereas women often chat with each other across the table and have lots of eye contact.
This, we are told, is because the emotional investment and frequent contact that women value are just not as important for blokes. We can often go for weeks, months, or sometimes even years without seeing each other and still call mates.
Now, there's a lot of factors that affect male friendships and how they can lead to isolation, and sociological and generational changes are part of it. A few generations back, friends were as close to a person as their family members. Right now, due to this tight knit relationship, there was less people who moved, traveled, or changed employment because of myths. In today's society, friendships can easily come and go because of modern mobility and globalisation.
Another factor is unfortunate life events such as homelessness, addiction and family breakdowns. Studies have noted that these experiences are more likely to happen to men than women, and this often leads to more isolation.
Even income plays a factor in it, especially for men with lower wages who can't afford the sort of social experiences that they typically have with their mates because of a tight budget, whereas women will just catch up over anything. One notable factor about male friendships is that men are known to be socially lazy. Researchers report that men exert little to no effort to make plans or even stay in contact with friends both near and far.
In fact, recent data shows a U-shaped trend where teenagers and older people in society are considered the loneliest of all. This is especially true for single middle-aged men, which often sadly, leads to suicide. We know from the data that middle-aged men are the greatest risk of suicide of any population.
Moving on to another topic, even marriage has an influence on friendships, especially when men reach their middle ages. At this stage of life, it's reported that husbands tend to be more focused on work commitments and family than catching up with their mates and even on hobbies that they once had more time for.
The minute that the relationship breaks down, whether it's through divorce or the man is widowed, half of a guy's world completely vanishes, leaving him abruptly isolated. What can we do to address this? Researchers note that starting early is the best thing that you can do. If you've got a little boy, the key thing is to tackle the masculinity culture that they grow up in.
Fostering a boy's social and emotional intelligence at a young age can help them to achieve these close relationships that they desire when they're adolescents, particularly younger in their adolescence. To help with that, boys and men should find a shared activity that they can bond over, which can start to form those deeper relationships, whether that's sports or volunteering or just being in activities that make men feel accepted, respected and admired by others helps them to strengthen both their connections and their self-worth.
When I was researching this topic, I reflected on when we moved out from the city down to the Mornington Peninsula a number of years ago, it was actually my wife Carly who said to me, you need to start join a social group. Why don't you start playing football again, which you Aussies know as soccer. I hadn't played for probably ten years, and I thought to her, you know what? That's a good thing to do, particularly because I'd stopped boxing.
So, I went down to the local soccer club that really does stick in my throat, and joined an over 35s club—and that is some of my strongest friendships today. Lots of us, because we've just hit 50 or around, have stopped playing that and we've transitioned over to golf. So that really relates back to the fact that us blokes tend to be friends around activities, or it's the activities that we tend to catch up on, and it's organised more around that.
So if you're a bloke, and particularly a middle-aged bloke, I would encourage you to think about it. If you're not into that sporting stuff and you're spending a lot of time at your work and family commitments, it is really critical that you carve out some time and join some sort of a social group that has other blokes in it and make sure that you are dedicating time to that.
Occasionally, you can also reach out to old friends. Us blokes need to get our finger out of our horses and make a bit of an effort to catch up with other blokes in particular much more often.
Corporate burnout to mental fitness
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